A Single Incident in the ABC Family

A Single Incident of Multiple Perspectives That Is

Introduction

I’ll be Barb, the mother in the ABC Family. Andy is the father, Conner is a male and the oldest child. Derrick is the second oldest, then Eddie, Frank and finally Greg the baby (9 yrs). They are all male, except of course me, Barb.

The Incident

ABC family is headed toward their hotel after a lovely evening. There are 6 members of the family, only Derrick is missing on this evening. The hotel is quite a walk away after the evenings events, but not far enough to justify hiring a cab. So, it’s a nice jaunt, but not daunting. There is a point in the walk home that I (Barb) fall down. That is the incident.

Frame of Reference

Perspective is a complex thing. Our each individually formed frame of reference, influence, colors and shapes our experiences. I’ll try to express that when I can. However, hey the only frame of reference I have is MINE! History of experience is also what creates our frames of reference. So …

History

Andy has at times in the past taken me on a walk down a street on which he was familiar and I was not. Thus, I, trusting Andy, felt that the street was safe because, why would he do anything other than keep me and his children safe? Well, on more than one occasion, Andy felt as though the street was safe, but as I walked along, I saw dark alley ways, bushes, and I had small children in tow. I didn’t feel safe, but I trusted. After expressing my dismay, Andy pointed out that there was a police station right there across the street. Ok, fine it was there, but not a cop to be seen and the street was still deserted, dark etc. I have to admit, that I was still not comforted and still feel like the street was not safe for my children. Thus, a seed, just a seed of not distrust, but difference in perspective. What I see as safe is not the same thing as what Andy sees as safe. This senario has been repeated many times in our travels.

Thus, the multiple occasions over the years have actually solidified this, I’ve been down many streets, paths etc, that I didn’t feel were safe enough.

Conclusion A) I don’t always agree with Andy on what is a safe area. He does know this fact. Conclusion B) I do trust him, I do know that he is much more confident than me when navigating new cities and he actually is familiar with more cities and places than I am. Therefore, I have the trust factor going high but still the seed of my conclusion A to contend with and re-assess each time I’m venturing in Andy’s footsteps down a new path.

Pace

Andy walks fast, knows where he’s going and often doesn’t share the directions with the rest of the family, he is determined in his quick step and we follow, like ducklings. Because, well, none of us know where were going or how to get there so we keep up. This can be a task as Andy often slows to tell us to keep up or catch up. As I said, he has a quick step and we’re all eager to keep up and keep in step and “not lag”. Lagging does not make Andy happy and we usually want to keep Andy happy, not just, because he’s a bear when he’s not happy, but we truly love him and want him happy and un-cranky with our slow progress.

“Lagger”

Lagger, that’s not a good thing in Andy’s family. It’s true too. Laggers get lost and behind or hold up the entire group. You may not get your place in the Space Mountain line if you lag too far behind, or you could lose sight of the group and get lost. So, don't stop to admire anything, without first notifing Andy because he'll keep going and not notice you're not there.

Topography

Another problem is sometimes the topography of the street itself. Sometimes there are potholes, un-even sidewalks, an in the case of in the middle of the street, there are islands to navigate and even worse sometimes cobblestones which are not good for any size of heel, or bricks. There are even new bricks that are made of cement, and then died and polished to look like brick. These are slippery when NOT wet.

Route

Andy may take a route that I may not be comfortable with, but I’ve always survived them before. It’s usually the pace that get’s me into trouble, running across streets against the light (we’ve had more than one “discussion” on that topic alone). He’ll also cross in the middle of a street.

Route only known to Andy

This is another phenomenon in our family. We all think that Andy has an internal compass, he often even is quite proud of that fact. He does. Really. He often times will get us to our destination with only his intuition to guide him. He’s usually very reliable and thus we often follow and don’t even ask the plan, the route or at times even the destination. So, this is not new or something that someone should ask me, why I didn’t speak up sooner. You don’t question the route! "He knows".

Conner

Conner is my oldest son. He has been down many streets with his father. Andy has given him on many occasions free reign to wander or to find his way. Through cities, airports etc… I am gaining confidence in Conner as he has had a good teacher.

Shoes and Women or Me

I like shoes. I like shoes with heals and shoes that make your legs look pretty. It’s important because I’m only 5’2” tall. I’m short! My husband is tall. Therefore, there are two things, there, I like to be a bit taller for him, so we don’t look so much like Mutt and Jeff and second, it’s helps my short little body not look so short or short and fat if you will.

I do have some experience with walking long distances in heals. It’s not always a positive experience. Therefore, I have devised a few methods. 1. Take a pair of flip-flops along for the walking part. They will fit nicely into a plastic bag in your other bag. 2. If you’re going to walk but not that far. There are some other options. Actually lower heels, like 2 inches or a shoe that has a small platform say 1” and a 3” heel which still means that you’re not standing on your tippy toes, but still have the feel of a 3 inch heel. To a female mind that sounds reasonable, at least it does to mine.

Then the pant leg issue, you have to have heels that keep your pant legs from dragging on the ground and no flats are not business like attire.

Incident Detail

This particular evening, yes it’s dark. Andy, in keeping with his unusual route and no clue as to the topography of the street, he heads forward at a fast pace in order to get through the course as quickly as possible and onto safer ground or streets, hey maybe one with a sidewalk attached to it, or even street lights.

ABC family is on the move, on the way back to comfy beds!

This route had those nice new died slippery bricks. No sidewalk, no lighting and the cars were busy. When the sidewalk ran out, Andy saw his chance to hurry and cross before the light down the road changed. He could make it safely across holding the hand of the Greg. He had left Conner in charge of Barb, they’ll be fine. But Conner, sees that Andy raced across the street, he sees that there is an opportunity before the oncoming cars of the newly changed light will be there. So, he decides that now is the time, he certainly doesn’t want to be a “lagger” either. No, he changes his mind; there really isn’t time and he thinks that, "that car isn't going to stop" (Conner has confirmed that detail), so back onto the side he goes. Barb, on the other hand saw the cars, wanted to keep up with Conner, but oops there come the cars and Conner is back onto the side of the road. One quick step backward, except the foot that stepped forward, now slipped on the slippery brick and down I go. Both knees, the right one harder and my right hand catches my fall. Playbills on the street, I look up and there is the car. Will he see me? Oh, no I realize, I’m only wearing black, what else to you wear to a nice dinner out? Black is the only color. Then I think Conner is there maybe he’ll stick his hand out catch the drivers’ eye and he won’t run over me. My thumb has jammed between two of the bricks and it feels broken. Nothing else hurts though, its adrenaline, fear and hurry and get up and out of the way.

I’m hurrying to get to my feet, but really, if the car doesn’t see me, he’ll hit me, I realize. Conner is there helping me up, he’s stressed, he’s helping, picking up the playbills, as I look at the street to see if my backpack has emptied into the center and stuff fallen between the cracks between the bricks. . The lights stop well short of running over me too and the car beside it must see because instead of racing around the stopped car, it stops too.

A car horn sounds. It appears I’m safe, Conner has my hand we’re crossing in front of the now stopped cars, I shrug to the honk (wherever that came from).

Embarrassed, that is a word.

Glad to be alive washes over me, see in the moment, my thought wasn’t fear, it was “I hope that car sees me”. That was all I had time for. I look up in time to see Andy’s head turn from me back to our Greg holding his hand. It appears to me it was in disgust. I think now though, that was all he saw, the end of a stumble, me to my feet and all cars stopped. He actually missed the whole thing. I didn’t’ know that then. I thought he saw the whole thing. What kind of a man would just turn in disgust and keep walking. What happened, to handing his son’s hand to the other older boy and running across the street to help me across, what if something else hurt, like my now filthy blackened knees???? What if the love of his life was actually hurt? What if she was frightened? So now I’m feeling really sad, didn’t he care?

The group. The group is made of males, greatly influenced by the Alpha male and his inability, due to being a male, not to understand the whole “shoe thing” of the lone female of the pack.

Immediately, there are words echoing in my mind. I wore some shoes in NYC and in the rush (the pace we walk at), I stumbled. I feel another time in NYC, hole really an actual hole in the sidewalk. I had a funky heel on another shoe and fell in an airport in China, only I had my husband’s arm and he caught me. He said I should change shoes. However, then there was a pant leg length issue and I couldn’t wear shorter shoes. Those only have a 1.5-inch heel.

Thus, everyone now has a “Mom’s shoes” frame of reference, except they don’t know why there is this issue. They’ve never explored the whole “shoe thing”.

So, I look and everyone is walking along at the normal fast clip. No worries, “she fell … again”, are the thought in my head.

Then some actually words from the peanut gallery. I can’t even remember what they were; just that there were not comforting words, or are you ok words, but “shoe words”.

I’m feeling like every one in the male groups is actually angered that I fell. Not worried a bit about me. My knee hurts, my thumb is throbbing, I just need to keep walking, because my hip hurts … why didn’t he stop for me, put his arm around me? (later I know that it’s because he didn’t actually see the whole thing), but for now, those are my feelings.

It get’s worse… Now still no sidewalk, cars are stopped at a light. So, Andy decides to cross in-between the traffic that is stopped. Maybe because there isn’t a cross walk at the light, I don’t know. Only 60 to 90 seconds have elapsed since my face was frozen in the headlights. So, there they go, whole alpha male’s group through the cars and onto the island. “Will cars be turning in this empty lane, I think as I make sure not to trip on the island, and step into the street on the other side”

There they are all across the street now and the light has changed and cars beginning to move behind me. I keep walking, I have to, I’m hurt, but not so hurt I can’t keep moving.

“Stop, come back, let’s talk about this, no one is mad at you!” he say’s. “Stop”? I think? Go back, which means I have to take even more steps and I can see my destination. I have to keep moving so I don’t cry and my hip doesn’t quit moving. I can see the hotel, the end is near, why would I stop.

“catch up to me and we’ll talk, I say”, I can’t stop. No one cares WHY I can’t stop, they must think it’s me being stubborn. It’s ok, because I can’t stop.

They catch up, and I say ok, “what did you want to say?”, nothing. Silence. So, how do I interpret THAT? Are they really mad, I thought he just said “no-one” was mad, and yet here he is and he won’t talk to me. Does that me that no one is mad, except, him?

Ok, we’ll march, we go into the hotel. No one is talking to me. No arm is around me wondering how badly I’m hurt. Conner is the only one who saw me in the street, he didn’t even actually see the fall.

My thumb hurts so I have it elevated to stop the swelling and throbbing. Ice? No, because I have no way to keep it on there and it will just melt and run down my arm. Maybe I can sleep. No one is talking to me… then …

Time has gone by and “do you want some ice?”

What? Now you’re talking to me and when I wanted to see what you wanted to talk about after you caught up to ME… zip … nothing.

No, I don’t want some ice. How about cleaning off my knees they’re black with street dirt.? How about, did you get hurt anywhere besides your thumb?

Or what about “oh, honey, I’m so sorry you fell, what happened?” “really, I didn’t see that car almost killed you, you must have been so frightened, here let me hold you close and I’ll hold your arm up so your thumb doesn’t ache.

Nope nothing.

So, anti-anxiety, motrin, ½ ambien, I’m good. Goodnight, actually I fall to sleep almost immediately.

I’ve always been alone. I’m an only child, actually, my psyche is used to it. I have no friends. I do nothing with anyone. I have no one that knows me except one person and she lives out of state. So there you go. No one. Zip. My one and only can’t really get all of this because, well ... he’s a he. So, in this case my only friend wasn’t being my friend.

He’s my only true friend. I have other people, but if I don’t call, I don’t hear from them, oh except the one in Colorado. I have two women that I consider friends, but they have full lives, with their own sisters, brothers and family that really take a lot of their time and oh, they have other friends too that they really spend time with. This is my fault, I don’t need another friend other than … Andy, but when he’s not there … well, there you go.

The next morning, I’m expecting things to be a bit better. We have a nice uneventful day planned. Nothing big, just hang out by the pool and then off to meet friends for a nice dinner and a fun evening show.

Feeling Fuzzy – not the same thing as Groovy

Boy’s head off to breakfast, I decide to skip it in lieu of a nice long hot shower over my aching body. Now my neck is the thing that hurts the worst. Not that I hit it but because those muscles go into full force trying to keep your head from slamming into the pavement (bricks at it were). My mid back, hip and of course can barely move my thumb. The acrylic nail is lifted from the bed, but not broken and nothing is bleeding from it.

Ahhhh, hot shower then off to the pool to lay by and listen to the boy’s chat, swim, play etc… I’ve lost 40 pounds lately and I’m getting used to this new body in more ways than one. I take an anti-anxiety because I’m still greatly up-set over the emotions of the last evening. Andy is off to a meeting, so there you go. Hmm, time to get moving, pain. So, I’ll take another anti-anxiety and an extra ½ just for good measure. I am by the pool after all. And oh, there are these really good back medicines that work wonders but I usually only take them at night because, well you can get a bit dizzy. So, I want the 600 mil. of Motrin, that will mean I have to take 3 of them. No clue what the other stuff does other than, relax muscles, it’s OTC…

Turns out it’s all too much. I think it would have been too much had I not lost 40 pounds, but that made a huge difference. I get my brain relaxed too, so I also get emotional as Andy still has no remorse for his behavior the night before. Now, let me say that I haven’t even expressed to him that he should have remorse. It still hasn’t occurred to me that he didn’t see me fall. He didn’t see the car, he didn’t ask either how I was feeling emotionally. So, I told him only I was mad. How could he just keep walking?

So, emotions boiled over, and only as I write this and try to figure out his perspective, do I find myself realizing that he just didn’t see. Can’t fault him for that. Maybe, I’ll let him read the story and he’ll get only my perspective, because, after all, that is ALL I know.

I’m sure there is a lot more to it, especially his end. But the Motrin stuff did take away the pain even though my head was really fuzzy, I can’t even tell you what I had for dinner. As a matter of fact I can't remember anything from the pool to the beginning of the evening show. Did I talk to anyone? Seriously, zip, I don't remember. Conclusion C: NEVER take 3 of those again, alone, OR mixed with anything.